Trip Down to Memory Lane and much much more

On the Easter weekend, I went to Montreal after almost two and a half years. My main objective of course was to see my friends that I have missed! It was only one hour by plane.

It was absolutely great to see my very close friends, some that I closely kept in touch with (meaning talk to each other every two weeks) or others hardly. But, it doesn't matter, as I know that they are always there for me, and hopefully they know that I am always there for them too. We had so much catching up to do and I talked almost non stop. On Saturday, I spent 5 hours, not consecutively, in Starbucks (yes very original isn't it?) just talking talking and talking and still not enough talking!!

It was such a strange feeling to be back in Montreal. This is a city where I lived for over three years in three different times. It is a city full of better sweet memories. It kind of evokes some sense of insecurity and confusion, as I spent some of the most difficult and challenging time of my life so far. First, I was totally lost, being fresh out of Japan, keeping up with the school, languages etc, then struggling to raise my grades to be accepted to a graduate program while living on $500 a month. When I came back to work there in the language school, I dealt with the immigration problem and finding a job in my field. Then it was finally a place where I said good-bye to the boyfriend that I spent long seven years with. These are some (almost all) of my darkest times so far. Every street, every corner and every metro station has a story, and the central theme of course is my ex.

Something really strange happened. Well, this is not kind of thing I should write publicly but I will anyway. One of my closest friend told me the following: in summary

My ex-boy friend one day showed up at a day care where she works, with his child and wife (!). As she being such a loyal friend to me, she was unhappy and upset to see him. She never wanted to see him or talk to him. He requested to have a chat with her privately. They spoke for about one hour and he told her "his version" of what has happened. He was basically breaking down with tears (!!!) explaining what he was thinking, why he broke up, how he ended up marrying a woman that he was seeing while he was with me (!) etc etc.

Not sure whether he was justifying what he did or did not do, but I do not really care at this point, whose fault it was etc etc. I was completely completely shocked to hear that he was crying. Dude, it had been four years (since then at that time). Why are you crying in front of my friend?! I suddenly felt so pitiful. This guy is so hopeless. No wonder he sent me a message on my last birthday, if he is still like this.

What are odds of him coming to my friend's day care centre among so many in the city? I am just amazed. Is it some kind of a sign or message for me?? Am I ready to say "I forgive you"? I still have occasional nightmares about him finally infrequently now. I didn't think I harbor that much negativity about this, but I have never thought that I will ever say I forgive you. It was always more like "I really don't care about you. Yo don't exist in my world as you are so insignificant in my life." (wow, this sounds quite angry!!) Would I free myself, if I say "I forgive you" from the trauma? Shouldn't I be compassionate towards this individual, who quite frankly speaking, is pitiful and pathetic?

I don't have answers, but I am thinking. I don't know what that means to forgive him.

I think, at this point, and especially after I heard this story, I want to forgive him. Because I do not gain anything by not forgiving him and it seems there is a better prospect of forgiving him. He should also be freed from his sense of "guilt". He must have already suffered enough, and he can walk away now. This is just too sad. I can't describe it. What happened was now so distant, yet the wound can be so deep for both of us. It is really sad.

................. so, what do you think?