Decisions Decisions

Don't you think there are some similarities between quitting a job and breaking up with a guy? You know that it's not quite working out. You don't see a long term future. You have some good moments but most of the time you are not so happy or have some doubts. But, there is a sense of security in staying on, and the right thing to do in your mind is to keep working at it until it gets better.

I haven't been writing so much about the job. This is not because I don't enjoy it. I do enjoy most aspects of it, but being in a small country, I can be easily identified (especially if I write in English, like what happened when I was in Guyana). Things are very sensitive here and I can't really express myself publicly.  I also wrote only good parts of the life here, beautiful ocean, diving and holidays. But to be really honest, I often feel very isolated. I am not depressed like the first two months when I came here. I manage and given the situation I do pretty well, finding a good balance. I thought I was stronger mentally than this, which is rather disappointing. But, what is the point of enduring this? If I don't like it or not happy, then I should say no or do something about it. This has been a big "black cloud" over my head for the past two weeks.    

今のポストを始めてもう７ヶ月。今、来年の事業にも関わってくること、方向性や予算等を色々決めている。元々１年の契約で、２年目は未定ということになっていたのだけど、ここ最近になって、更新の話が出始めた。私が残ることを前提に、話が進んで行くようなかんじ。始めたからには責任もあるし、２年は腰を据えて、今の仕事をするのがキャリア的には一番良いとは分かっている。でもこの国の生活を、これから１年半することに対して、はっきり言って限界を感じるし、正直しんどい。我ながら甘いなーとも思う。ここの生活環境は思った以上に、精神的にきつくて、自分なりに努力して楽しめるようにしているけど、長期的には無理だと思う。自分では精神的にもうちょっとタフだと思っていたのに、何だか情けない。まだ半年ちょっとで、結果も出してないのに、もう止めますと今の段階で言うのにも抵抗がすごくあるのも事実。こんなことを考えて悶々としている日々。仕事自体は面白いし、とても勉強になるのだけどね。どうしよどうしよどうしよ。でももう気持ちは決まっているのだろうね。